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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Doug Payne's LiveJournal:

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    Sunday, January 19th, 2003
    6:24 pm
    SRO is goin to the studio
    hey shareena, this one's just for you, since you're the only one who reads this anymore. my band is going to the studio. we have a set weekend. February 15th and 16th, we'll be in the studio recording a 6 track demo of our best songs. it's gonna rule. i'll definately send you a copy.
    Friday, January 3rd, 2003
    11:45 am
    updates
    hey everyone. go to http://www.sroband.com. we have major updates happening. we're selling stickers now, which you can see in our "media" section. we have new bios coming, and we have 40 brand new pictures up from our last show. plus news about our next show coming up end of january. we also won the "featured unsigned band of the month" on http://www.taborama.com. go check it out.
    Saturday, December 28th, 2002
    10:40 pm
    band of the month
    i know i've kinda gone my own way from most who used to read these, but i know i've got a drummin buddy out in malaysia that will like this. my band is up for "Unsigned Band of the Month!" on www.taborama.com. my band Standing Room Only is in the final four for band of the month, which is decided by people's votes. the final four for next month just recently started, so there's not a lot of votes yet, but as of right now, SRO is winning. so your votes will help. if we win this, our band's site and music will be posted nation wide. averagely, some hundreds of thousands of people check out each band's stuff every month, which will help us out a great deal. if you wanna vote, just go to http://www.taborama.com. there will be a paragraph titled "other news" with info about the final four. click on that paragraph which will take you to the page that shows vote results. now, in order to vote, you have to register to the site, but it DOES NOT COST ANYTHING, and they DON'T SEND YOU ANYTHING. i hate paying for sites too so i'd know, but it's okay. it takes about a minute to sign up, then you're able to vote. please please it would help us out a lot. also, check out our site http://www.sroband.com for updates on commin shows. we have a couple big ones comming up. booking agents have been calling us askin us to play at their venues. we also have new pictures and music coming from our last show on the 23rd, and plan on hitting the studio soon to record some of this stuff. well, that's it. everyone take care and thanks for your support.

    Current Mood: good
    Monday, October 28th, 2002
    9:22 pm
    My Concert
    hey, been a while since i've updated. i just want to let those of you know who might not already, my band is having a concert this coming monday, november 4th, from 6:30 to 8:30 at Jaxx in Springfield. you can see my band's website at www.sroband.com . it's gonna be my first live concert ever, so i'm really excited. again, here are the details...

    Place: Jaxx music hall
    When: Monday, November 4th 6:30 to 8:30 PM
    Tickets: Tickets are 8 dollars, and you can buy them from me. you have to let me know if you wanna go so i can sell you a ticket.

    to get to Jaxx, take braddock road towards the beltway, make a right onto rolling road, and it's about 3 miles on the left in a shopping center. that monday and tuesday are school holidays, so no excuses about school. it'll be tons of fun, please come. talk to y'all later. you can call me at 703-283-0294 or IM me.

    Current Mood: excited
    Monday, September 2nd, 2002
    9:56 am
    update
    it's been a very long time since i've written in this thing. last time i wrote i'd just come back from the beach. i haven't really done much sine then. i've been trying to find a half way decent job, but haven't had much luck. i'm working at carlos o kellys now, which is a lot of fun, the people there are awesome, but it's not the money that i need. i'm in desperate need of money, cause i haven't been able to pay my car insurance or car payments or cell phone bills. my parents have had to cover me for the last 3 months, and they're gettin pissed about it. i'm going to the police academy in april once i turn 21, but that's not for another 8 months. i need a well paying job before then.

    school starts for everyone tomorrow. my sister is a freshman this year. it's very weird to think about. my sister being a freshman in the HS i graduated from 2 years ago. she has some of my old teachers too, i wonder if they'll make the connection. actually, i hope not, for my sisters sake. i was a real pain in the ass to some of my teachers. esspecially ms. brown from biology, and i know my sister has her. i'm gonna take her up to woodson today so she can find all of her classes and talk to her counselor if she wants.

    i might be a drumline clinician again this year. i was driving by woodson on the way home from work the other day and say the band out in the parking lot practicing. so i decided to stop by and see how they were doing. as i was watching the drumline, i notice that they're in need of a lot of help. i'm not the greatest with music, but i'm very good with marching and teqnicue. a bunch of band members asked me if i was gonna help out again this year, so i went in and talked to the new band director, and she said she'd talk to the main drum instructor and let me know. i think it'd be cool to work with the drumline again. most of the people i marched with are gone now, so there wont be that lack of respect anymore since everyone i was teaching knew me personally. that'll also be some good money on the side.

    that and the haunted house is coming up next month. aside from being a shit load of fun, scaring the crap out of people, it's great money. i get paid manager pay since i'm an assistant manager, and with the hundreds of hours i put in there, i usually make bank in the place. as usual, we're probably gonna need people to help out, so if anyone reading this lives in the fairfax area and would like to help out with a haunted house this oct. let me know. ALI, THIS MEANS YOU TOO, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE :o)

    i met this really awesome girl at work. i was very hesitant about askin her if she wanted to get together or anything, cause i've had dead shit luck with woman the past two years, but she actually came and asked me if we could exchance screen names, so of course i did. we talked that night and she said that she'd been wanting to get to know me ever since she met me. she said she has a boyfriend, but her relationship with him is very sketchy or something now, and she wanted to get to know me and see what happened. she actually snuck out of her house the other night cause she wanted to get together. this girl is totally hot. i like her a lot already. so, we'll see what happens there.

    oh man, almost forgot. my hockey team just had the coolest party. i showed up after work, and all my friends were there. we played drinking games all night. shot gunned beers on the patio, played video games. it was great. i drank so much. not as much as some others, but still. i was totally trashed after an hour of being there. damn drinking games, we played up the creek and down the river, and bull shit fuck you pyramid or something. stupid games that results in everyone winning by everyone getting drunk. some bad shit happened later but i don't wanna get into it now. otherwise it was a great night. i love my hockey team. chris howdy, one of our wingers, threw up all over the bathroom. it took him an hour to clean it up, i had to pee outside in the middle of the appartment complexes parking lot like 5 times. and i feel down the stairs spilling my beer every where trying to get back up. it was great.

    i guess that's about it for now. i'll try to update again in the next week or so. take care all.

    Current Mood: drunk
    Sunday, July 21st, 2002
    6:58 pm
    i'm back
    well, i'm back from the beach. it didn't really go as well as i thought or hoped it would. i had gotten a job at grotto pizza on the boardwalk of rehoboth beach as a waiter. it was good at first, but i ended up not making nearly as much money as i needed. that and there were a lot of other things i didn't like about some of the people there and the way things were run. it seemed from day one that certain people were just "out to get me." the asst. managers daughter is a waitress there, and she's the biggest hippocrite and ass hole i've ever met. she'd yell at me for doing something or not doing something, but then i'd see her a minute later doin the same thing she just yelled at me for. just cause she's the daughter of the assistant manager, she thinks she can just get her way. that, and they have this thing where you have to be running "literally" 24/7. you have to constantly be doing something, if you sit down for one minute you get bitched at. i worked my ass off while i was there, i ran around doing as much as i could in addition to waiting on my tables all day long, and the one time i'd sit down for a second to catch my breath would be the one time the manager walked by, and then i'd get yelled at for not doing anything or moving too slow. i'm not cool with that. along with the whole money issue, i'm so far behind on payments for my car and i'm dipping into my overdraft protection at the bank, it was just time to get out of there. so, i'm back, lookin for a new job.

    there were the fun points though. i did make a lot of friends at the beach. i mean, just getting to be at the beach every day... there's nothing better. night life in rehoboth lacks, but dewey beach is the college hang out. dewey beach is only 5 minutes away. and there's a place in dewey beach called ruddertown. it's got two big restaurants there, the rusty rudder and crabbers cove. they're both right on the delaware bay. rusty rudder has 3 bars and a dance floor with live music every night out back on the deck. it's so nice. i went there as much as i could. there's a door that leads from the restaurant right behind the bar, so you can get in without being carded. one night i spent over 85 dollars on drinks, i got so drunk. i had to have people drive me home because i could hardly walk to my car by myself. it was a lot of fun. i miss not being at the beach everyday, but it's time to find a better job. i'm strongly considering re-applying with the fairfax county police. i don't want to go into the coast guard, there's just too much doubt in my mind for some reason about wanting to do it. my other option is to wait on the police thing, because i might be moving to california with scott when he gets back from japan. i can join a police agency out there. either way, i've gotta find a new job here.

    so, just so y'all know, i'm back. so, if i'm still included, feel free to call me up for group outings or whatever. guess that's about it for now. i'll update again soon.

    Current Mood: okay
    Friday, May 10th, 2002
    5:34 pm
    off for the beach
    well guys, i'm off for the beach. for any who might not know, i quit my job at the bank, and i'll be living at my grandpa's mobil home in rehoboth beach, delaware for the summer. i'll be a waiter at grotto pizza on the boardwalk. it should be a lot of fun. workin on the beach, nothin better. i will be coming home every thursday and sunday to play hockey. i have ice hockey thursday morning and deck hockey thursday evening, but i'll be around town during the day thursday, and same with sunday. i have deck hockey sunday evening, but i'll be around fairfax during the day. otherwise, if you wanna get a hold of me, my cell phone will always be on, 703-283-0294. and the number to the trailer i'll be living in is 1-302-226-0578. feel free to call that number too, but since i'll probably either be working or on the beach, my cell will probably be the better bet. also, if anyone ever wants to come up to the beach for a couple days, just give me a call and let me know. we'll have to work it around the days i come back for hockey. but you guys could always come up for a few days and stay at the trailer with me. well, that's it. hope everyone's doin well. later all.

    Current Mood: excited
    Saturday, April 27th, 2002
    7:48 pm
    update
    well, it's been forever since i've written in this thing, so i guess i will. don't even know if you guys are still reading mine or not.

    to start off, hockey is going well. i'm still playing floor hockey. we're half way threw our current season. got a game tomorrow night at 7:00 if anyone's interested. i've also started playing ice hockey. i've already had 4 lessons at reston, and i've started playing in adult pick up games in aushburn. it's so awesome, i love it so much. i scored my first goal (in ice hockey) last saturday. my ice games are every saturday night from 9:15 to 11:15.

    as some have heard, i've pretty much decided i'm going into the coast guard. i've already put my two weeks in at the bank, i can't stand that place anymore. my last day there is may 7th. then i'll be working at the beach for the summer. i'll still be coming back periodically to play hockey, but if anyone wants to come visit me and chill for the weekend at the beach, that would be awesome. once everyone goes back to school in september, i'm most likely shipping off for the coast guard. i figure it's the best thing for me, i've got nothing here. i think it'll be a lot of fun. i've already taken the ASVAB and physical and i passed them both and qualified for service. out of boot camp, i've been guaranteed either key west or clear water florida. i'll be a gun runner on harbor patrol. cruisin around on a speed boat with big mounted machine guns pulling ships over and boarding them doing drug searches and arresting people. it sounds like a lot of fun. minimum is 3 years. and scott, i do still want to move to cali with you. even if i do go into the coast guard, it's only a minimum of 3 years, and i can always move out there afterwards. or, i could even request to be stationed out there where you're gonna live. my dad has an "in" in the coast guard stationing section that already told him he'd pretty much put me where ever i want to go right out of boot camp. we'll work it out.

    i wanted to say to everyone that i'm sorry i basically disappeared recently. i've been very busy the past couple months. it's not that i don't like you guys anymore or don't wanna hang out with you guys. but my hockey schedule has become pretty tough. i have floor hockey practice wednesday afternoons, ice hockey practice thursday mornings, floor hockey game thursday nights, floor hockey practice friday afternoons, ice hockey game saturday nights, and floor hockey game sunday nights. so it's pretty rough. and by the time i get out of my games/practices and go home and shower and get ready to go back out, you guys have curfew, so it has made it real difficult to chill with you guys. i try to whenever you guys do something during the day. it'd be nice if sometime you guys could come to one of my games. if you can convince your parents to stay out a little later, my ice hockey games saturdays are cool. but, it's not you guys, just our schedules haven't really worked out lately. i would like to see each of you guys again sometime soon so we all can catch up, esspecially if i do decide to leave i wont be seein you guys for a while (like 3 years) except for the times i get to come home and visit. so, keep me informed on what's going on so when i am free i can come see you guys.

    well, i guess that's about it. that's pretty much all that's going on with me is work, hockey, and my consideration on going into the coast guard. hope everyone is doing well.

    Current Mood: good
    Friday, April 5th, 2002
    5:42 am
    The Big 2 0
    finally, i'm officially no longer a teenager! granted, i've been a legal adult for two years now, I'M FINALLY RID OF THAT GOD DAMN "TEEN" AFTER MY AGE!!! twenty just sounds so much better then nineteen. yes, in case you forgot or didn't know, today's my 20th birthday! time to go party and get drunk!

    Current Mood: excited
    Sunday, March 31st, 2002
    9:36 am
    drunk
    oh my god, i got drunk off my ass last night. my hockey team went drinking at one of players house, and i got so fucked up. i couldn't see straight, i couldn't walk. i had to be carried up to bed cause i couldn't walk up the stairs....it was my first time REALLY drinking too. i was so waisted. it was pretty cool though.

    well, nothin else new to report. later all

    Current Mood: drunk
    Monday, March 18th, 2002
    7:54 pm
    sick
    being sick sucks. it was so nice saturday, up in the mid to upper 70's. then sunday was cold and rainy. i was outside a bit on sunday and got sick. sunday night i was coughin and sneezin like nuts. liquid in my throat, nose is runnin, head all stuffed up. i almost called in sick to work today, but it was the first day back from spring break for mason and i knew it would be busy, so i went in anyway. i left early though, but i'm still here really sick. i did get all my hockey equipment in the mail today though, so i'm happy about that. well, gotta go take more meds.

    Current Mood: sick
    Saturday, March 16th, 2002
    11:09 am
    update
    i finally ordered the rest of my ice hockey gear. i spent 250 bucks on it the other night. shoulder pads, hockey pants, socks, girdles, bunch of other stuff. it'll all arrive on monday, so i'll be starting ice hockey this thursday morning. i'll be doing thursday morning lessons until the first week of april, then i'll be starting wednesday evening clinics for 10 weeks. i'm excited.

    my floor hockey league's going good. we lost our game last thursday 4-3, but we still played really well. i had such an amazing scoring chance. i stole the puck on a break away and was charging the net. i ended up falling though and was sliding towards the goalie. i spun around backwards as i was sliding, and ended up sliding on my upper back with my legs like in the air. i glanced over though and noticed the puck was still right next to my blade, so i snapped a backwards shot off which went right at the net, but the goalie ended up sliding his foot in the way and deflected it wide. i was so upset, it was such an amazing play. i went out with the team last night and we saw the movie ice age. it's an animated movie, it's SO FUNNY!!! i didn't think it'd be that good at first, but oh my god, the movie was hilarious. the whole team was laughin their ass's off. it was great, i definately recommend it.

    well, not much else is goin on.

    Current Mood: bored
    Tuesday, March 12th, 2002
    5:35 pm
    friends for life
    well, there's three people that i know i can say i will be friends with for life. three people i've known for a long time, and i love them more then anything. first, is stefani cifuentes. we've known each other since middle school. kinda parted some for a while, but later became good friends again. we even dated our senior year. i'm still kicking myself in the ass for letting her go, because i look at her now, and she's the perfect example of someone i could see myself marrying. of course she's with some guy from UVA now, but whatever. we even have the same birthday, we were both born on april 5th. only she's a year older, she'll be 21 in 23 days and i'll only be 20. she's basically one of the three people that i still keep in touch with from high school. i love her to death.

    then there's sonia rodriguez. she's almost like family. everyone in high school used to say we acted like an old married couple. we'd always get in huge fights over nothing and not talk to each other for months, then finally make up, be the greatest friends again, then we'd get in another fight and not talk for months. back and forth. we've both grown up a lot since then though, we're such great friends. i went down two weekends ago to liberty university to spend the weekend with her. it was fun. we've been threw so much together.

    then there's scott adcock. i met him at one of our old friends birthday parties, and we became really good friends right off the bat. scott and i have been best friends since i was a freshman. he's three years older then me, but neither of us care. we used to get into so much trouble together in high school. scott and i are like that quote goes, "a friend will be there to try to bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be in the jail cell right next to you sayin, damn that was fun." that's me and scott. i'm honestly surprised the two of us aren't either dead or locked away in jail somewhere. it's surprising. anyone who's hung out with the two of us together knows and has heard some of our stories. i think they should make a TV show after us. like bevis and butthead 2. he went into the marines though when i was a junior, so i haven't seen much of him since then. when he comes back though him, sonia and i always hang out a lot. we went off roading on this no tresspassing area last weekend, coated his truck in mudd from bumper to bumper, it was a blast. he's one of those few people that i know no matter what ever happens to me he'll be right by my side to be a part of it or get me out. he left today for japan for a year and a half, once he gets back we're talking about getting a place together, me, him, his girlfriend. and whoeever else i guess. that'll be so much fun. we had a lot of good talks these last couple days. esspecially last night. he filled me in on a few things i wasn't particularly happy about, but from what i saw the other night, i was almost expecting it. not that that makes it okay. but anyway.

    those three people, i just realized this weekend, are gonna be friends for life. we're like family. we've all been there for each other when someone's had problems, and i know we always will be. it's kinda hard because all four of us live in different areas, but nothing gets in the way of a true friend. and i know i have one in stef, sonia and scott. i guess i just felt the need to get that down on something.

    well, talk to everyone later.

    Current Mood: grateful
    Tuesday, March 5th, 2002
    11:39 pm
    been a while...
    well, it's been a long while since i've written in this thing. i just got home from practice. i'm really tired. this weekend was really cool. friday night i had hockey practice. it went really well. then i hung out with some guys from the team friday night. we watched jay and silent bob strike back. saturday, scott and i drove down to liberty university to see sonia, jenn, jen, erin and josie. probably the greatest group of girls i've known. they're so much fun to hang around. erin has the coolest mississippi accent. sonia, scott, this other girl and myself all went mountain biking in the rain. it was so muddy. i had so much mudd clogged in my bike, the tires would hardly turn and my derailer broke off cause the mudd was too thick and the chain wouldn't rotate properly. then, after we got cleaned up, we went four wheeling in scotts pick up truck. there was this big open field that had do not trespass signs up, but we "didn't see them." we slid all over the place, driving threw puddles, splashing mudd everywhere. his truck had an inch thick layer of mudd that covered every last inch of his truck, it was great. then, we drove home saturday evening so i could go to church. then, we both drove back to liberty sunday after i got out of church. we drove seperately this time though. it was fun gettin to hang out with the girls down there again. i finally left liberty about 12:30 a.m. and didn't get home till around 4:00 a.m. monday morning, and had to get up for work at 7:00 a.m. but it was worth it.

    i'm considering quiting my job at the bank, very, very soon. i'm getting to tired of that job. it's killing me. i'll probably get another job till summer, then i'll take off for the summer and go on all the trips i wanna go on. a week in arizona, a week in the florida keys, a few days for the creation festival with my church, and then i wanna spend some time in rehoboth beach. after that, i'm strongly considering going into the United States Coast Guard. my parents have been trying to talk me into it for a while, and i never really thought about it till today. i sat at work for 9 hours, realizing how much i hated my job, and wanted to get out. the best way of doing that without paying anything is some kind of military. i think the coast guard would be fun. my dad has a hook up in the coast guard that could probably get me stationed in key west florida. so i'd spend my days chasing druggies up and down the coast of florida, using big guns, and being near the beach on a boat in the most beautiful place ever. plus i'd be making about 3 times what i make now. so, it's a strong possability. the only problem with that, is i'd have to give up hockey. at least wouldn't be able to play on my floor hockey league or ice hockey which i plan on starting very soon. so, i don't know, we'll have to see.

    everything else has been okay. i haven't seen or talked to anyone in the group in a while. davida and amy stop by to see me occasionally, that's nice of them. i love getting visitors. i haven't seen them lately though. chris i haven't seen or talked to in forever. i hope his virus thing gets better. ali, i talk to occasionally. i wouldn't mind gettin to catch up with her for a while, but she's usually too busy for me. hmm, i wonder how katie and don are doing. haven't talked to them lately either. i guess that's everyone.

    i finally got my stereo back in my new car. i love it, it's great... the stereo and the car. well, that's it, i'm hungry and tired so i'm gonna go eat, then sleep. later!

    Current Mood: good
    Wednesday, February 20th, 2002
    9:11 pm
    to all the anonymous users out there...
    if someone has a problem or something they want to say to me, i'd appreciate it if you'd just come up to me and say it to my face instead of slamming me behind the safety of your computer where i can't tell who you are.
    Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
    11:20 am
    i'm such an ass....
    i'm such a stupid idiot. can i be anymore of an ass hole???

    Current Mood: crappy
    Monday, February 18th, 2002
    10:58 pm
    my weekend
    what a weekend this has turned out to be. thursday i had a game, we lost 3-2 in overtime. it was a good game, but with about a minute or so left in OT, mary was slammed into the boards hard and went down, and the forward from the other team ran around undefended and slapped the puck in. she took the loss very hard, but it wasn't her fault. those things happen. friday night i had a very hard hockey practice. i was worn out. good practice, but very tiring. don had his birthday dinner and then went to katies, i was supposed to meet them there but didn't really feel like it after that practice. saturday i went up to the gym for a while. i was gonna meet davida there, but her and ali went to chris's meet in manassas. i ended up talking to bobby and kyle for about 2 1/2 hours though. that was cool. i became friends with bobby, we talked about all sorts of stuff. turns out he loves the NHL! he's a pittsburgh and dallas fan though... i talked to kyle for a while too, but she was teaching a swim class. so i got to talk to her after that was done. we're supposed to hang out sometime. i asked her if she wanted to go snowboarding since she said she likes skiing, so i think we're gonna do that next weekend. sunday i had church, then a hockey game that evening. this is where things pretty much went downhill. i asked amy and davida if they wanted to come to my game since there's no school the next day and it was an early game. and they said yeah, they'd most likely be there. i tried asking last weekend but she seemed very not-interested. i later heard that ali said she didn't want to go to my game because she was low on gas and it takes too much gas to drive to the sportsplex. that seemed a little weird to me being that the sportsplex is 10 minutes away, yet she's willing to drive all the way to manassas to see a swim meet. so i thought that was a pretty shitty excuse. and apparently everyone was thinking about going to a movie at fairfax town center. and it takes too long to drive from the sportsplex to the towncenter. well, later, i got a call from ali sayin that they were planning on coming to about 10-15 minutes of my game, then leaving to go see an 8:00 movie. i got a little upset about that, because if they went to an 8:00 movie, i wouldn't even get out of my game until around 8:00, so i wouldn't be able to make the movie, either that or i'd have to miss the first half an hour or so and i hate doing that. so i'd end up being by myself again all night while they're all in a movie. i didn't think it was really fair to only stay 10 minutes and then leave to do something without me. so i asked her if they can just stay for the game and then we ALL can go out afterwards. but apparently the only showings were 8 and 10:30. so i asked if we could just do something else instead, but no, everyone wanted to go see this movie that night and couldn't wait. so, that really hurt me. i get 10 minutes, just to have everyone run off without me for the rest of the night, and i'm obviously not important enough to change plans for. funny, cause i heard later that it wasn't even that good of a movie, and everyone was in such a rush to see it. that's pretty much the way i took all that when ali told me. she started going off about how i always get pissed off when no one comes to my games and how i give everyone guilt trips and stuff. i've explained this before, but some people are too hard headed to get it right. there are so few times that people are actually allowed to come see me since all my games are on weeknights. last night was one of the few times that i had a game at 7:00 p.m. which is the earliest they come, with no school on the next day. so i was really hoping people would come. everyone makes it such a point to get to chris's meets, but the few chances anyone has to come see me, it's always such a chore. i later heard that ali doesn't like floor hockey, and i can tell by talking to her she doesn't like it, so i was gonna stop asking her. i actually wasn't even expecting her to come last night. but the thing that made me mad, was not because of the game. everyone always thinks it's because of these games. it's not. what made me mad, was that after everyone had decided to come, they were only gonna stay for 10 minutes, and then go off and do the one thing that i couldn't be a part of after i was done. i asked if we could do something else so i could go out with everyone, but that was too much to ask. then, i talked to davida, and she said that what ali meant to say was that they were trying to work it out so they could do both, come to some of my game, then go get spots in the movie, and i could join them later. when davida explained, i was actually pretty cool with the idea. but the way ali described it, it made me feel like she was thinking "ok, well we'll go to 10-15 minutes of your game to stop you from bitching, and then we're gonna leave and go do something else that i can't make it too." and then when i brought up the idea of trying something else so we could all be a part of it, that wasn't good enough, because everyone would rather go see this stupid movie. so, i ended up getting so pissed off, i told her to "shut the hell up," which is where she hung up on me. i probably shouldn't have said that, but she left me no choice. there's times when i feel so left out of this group, and that really hurts. honestly, i don't care much for swimming, but the one time i was invited to one of chris's meets, i said right away "yeah, i'd love to go." not because i like swimming (because i honestly don't really care for it that much) but i wanted to go because chris is one of my good friends, and i wanted to see him compete. that's what i cared about. i'd come to more, but i'm never invited and never know when they are. that's why i got pissed off. i also heard later that ali was really upset because of what i said and was crying and didn't know what to say or something. and i am really sorry. what i said was mean and i know it hurt, and i'm really sorry. but that's the way i felt she was coming across, and i was getting really upset. amy said that she was planning on coming to my championship game or one of my playoff games or something, and she really doesn't have to. i know she doesn't like it and doesn't like coming, so i'm not gonna ask anymore. just, when something like this comes up, when my game is only an hour long, it'd be nice if we could plan to do something that doesn't start right before my game ends, so i can't be a part of the rest of the night. i don't know if it's okay to try to talk to her yet, i know she's probably mad at me. well, enough about that. today i'm probably not doing anything. i was supposed to hang out with kyle, but she's having problems at home, so she can't go out today. davida's skiing, and amy's at work with her mom. so unless ali actually for once wants to do anything, and also provided she's not still mad at me, then i'll be sitting here by myself probably for most of the day. i guess that's it.

    Current Mood: frustrated
    Saturday, February 9th, 2002
    12:36 pm
    the power of a song
    some people either wonder why, or don't take it very seriously when i put song lyrics in journal entries or send someone song lyrics in an e-mail. it's very serious though. i've always been very big into music. i love music. i can never not have music playing. i love music so much that i usually find it easier to express how i feel by using song lyrics. you'll be surprised how song lyrics can really tell the story of a person.

    let's take the entry before this one, when i used the lyrics of the song "crawling in the dark" by hoobastank. this isn't putting her down at all, but yesterday i was talking to ali on the phone, and she asked me what song it was that i'd taken these lyrics from, and when i'd said, she was just like, "oh, ok" and that was the end of it. now again, don't take that the wrong way ali, i'm in no way upset about that or putting you down, i'm just using it as an example. i just don't think people really understand the power in song lyrics.

    the first verse says "i will dedicate and sacrifice my everything for just a seconds worth of how my story's ending. and i wish i could know if the directions that i take and all the choices that i make won't end up all for nothing." that says a lot right there. it doesn't take rocket science to understand what i'm thinking or trying to say from that verse. and the chorus says "show me what it's for, make me understand it. i've been crawling in the dark, looking for the answer. is there something more than what i've been handed? i've been crawling in the dark, looking for the answer." i really feel like i've been crawling in the dark lately. i'm looking for answers to different questions, some might not be answered for a long time. what is all this for? am i making a difference in anyones life? does anyone really care? what is in store for me in the future? do i actually have a someone out there for me? why have things happened lately the way they've happened? what am i supposed to do with my life? is there more out there then what i've already been given?

    "help me carry on, assure me it's ok to use my heart and not my eyes to navigate the darkness. will the ending be ever coming suddenly? will i ever get to see the ending to my story?
    so when and how will i know?..................
    how much further do i have to go? how much longer until i finally know? because i'm looking and i just can't see what's in front of me, in front of me!"

    so yeah, i don't know, i just felt like talking about that. i've been really lost lately, crawling in the dark looking for answers, and i'm not really sure what i'm gonna do.

    Current Mood: confused
    Thursday, February 7th, 2002
    11:34 pm
    Crawling In The Dark
    i will dedicate and sacrifice my everything for just a seconds worth of how my story's ending. and i wish i could know if the directions that i take and all the choices that i make won't end up all for nothing.

    show me what it's for, make me understand it. i've been crawling in the dark, looking for the answer. is there something more than what i've been handed? i've been crawling in the dark, looking for the answer.

    help me carry on, assure me it's ok to use my heart and not my eyes to navigate the darkness. will the ending be ever coming suddenly? will i ever get to see the ending to my story?

    show me what it's for, make me understand it. i've been crawling in the dark, looking for the answer. is there something more than what i've been handed? i've been crawling in the dark, looking for the answer.

    so when and how will i know?..................
    how much further do i have to go? how much longer until i finally know? because i'm looking and i just can't see what's in front of me, in front of me!

    show me what it's for, make me understand it. i've been crawling in the dark, looking for the answer. is there something more than what i've been handed? i've been crawling in the dark, looking for the answer.

    Current Mood: confused
    Wednesday, February 6th, 2002
    6:08 pm
    i'm so excited!!!
    i have awesome news. i'm starting ice hockey this month!!! in addition to the floor hockey league i already play on, mary, from my team, and i are starting ice hockey. we have to take a seven week clinic first though, which starts the 24th of this month. after a seven week clinic, we have seven weeks of scrimmages. then, after those fourteen weeks, we start on a league. i'm so excited. this is what i've wanted for so long, to play ice hockey, and now i finally get to do it. there will be small expense though. the clinic itself costs 109 dollars. then, i already have skates, gloves, sticks and a helmet, but i have to buy shin pads, knee pads, shoulder pads, elbow pads chest pads.....etc. so, it's gonna get a little expensive, but it's worth it. i'm thinking good birthday present from my whole family since my birthday is coming up. the clinics are every sunday at 4:15 p.m. which means it wont be too late for people to come and watch. the one down side though, is i have floor hockey games that same night, so i'll probably be a bit tired by the end of the night. but it'll still be way fun. i'm so excited, this is what i've wanted for so long.

    my goal...the NHL!!!

    everything else has been okay. i've been suffering from a lack of anything to do on the weekdays. all my high school friends, well, are still in high school and can't do anything. and my college friends, the few i have, are always too busy these days. so it sucks. i'm gonna go to the gym more to run, and i've started lifting, esspecially now that i'm starting ice hockey. davida and amy came to see me at work the other day. that was nice. i love when people come to see me, esspecially since i can never see anyone during the week. davida also came by today. she got a speeding ticket for doing 20 over on guinea. so, it was nice talkin to amy and davida. i tried talkin to ali today to tell her about me starting ice hockey, but it didn't sound like she was too interested. she was too busy playing with pictures. oh-well.

    yikes, well i just found out i have hockey practice tonight, so i gotta go. i'll finish up later.

    Current Mood: excited
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